


D.D. does not stand for Damsel in Distress

by IncoherentTalesofTails



Category: Archer (Cartoon), Criminal Minds (US TV), Ed Edd n Eddy, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Criminal Minds Setting, Comedy, Crack Crossover, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I swear there was a reason for this, If you don't laugh I can't help you, M/M, Murder Mystery, Romantic Comedy, Stark Tower, What Have I Done, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:40:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26605375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IncoherentTalesofTails/pseuds/IncoherentTalesofTails
Summary: Edd starts his internship at Stark Towers. After accidentally landing a permanent position he comes across something big happening right under their noses.To unravel the mysterious episodes taking place throughout the tower Tony calls in the BAU to aid the investigation.  A more sinister plot unfolds, calling into question the security of the tower itself.In this world where all fictional universes co-exist see sparks fly when an old villian vies for attention once more.
Relationships: Edd/Ried
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KiwiKaboom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiwiKaboom/gifts).



> Ok but seriously, this can all be explained thusly:  
> Me: I had an old lit roleplay where all universes coexisted and Double D was an intern for Tony Stark.  
> My Wife: If that's the case, can you write me some Dr. Spencer Ried: Lovemachine and Edd smut?  
> Me: Anything for a pretty lady. 
> 
> Cue a plot to bring in the BAU and a rather hilarious turn of events. I swear there is actually a story to bring this all together.

Chapter 1  
The white walls beckoned to him, lulling the college intern into a happy sense of familiarity. He tugged at his purple gloves, reveling in the crisp rubber that encased his slender hands. This place was so... clean. Everything shone with stainless steel and white furniture dotted the hallways like spotless snow giving the whole place a feel of winter. It was his first day, and it had been exhilarating to say the least. He'd been ushered about by the head lab assistant, shown this way and that into every section of Stark Industries' massive studio. It was like walking through a dream.

"Hey, uhh, you there!" A voice called to him, starling the poor intern into a fright. He turned quickly, expecting some senior lab-tech to be scolding him for day dreaming. Instead he was face to face with the head of the corporation he idolized.

"Uhh... m-m-m-me?" He stuttered, an annoying habit he'd thought was long gone. He hadn't stuttered since his days in the cul-de-sac. Of course it would return upon meeting Tony Stark himself.

"Yes, you. You look like a … bright...young... man." Tony seemed preoccupied as he looped an arm over the boy's shoulders, in doing so turning him around again and steering him off down the corridor. Edgar found that suddenly, talking at all was too difficult to squeeze past the ridiculous fluttering of excitement and could only stammer something that only slightly resembled 'what, I guess so'. Tony, apparently not really listening, continued to steer him along and took no mind to the obvious confusion.

"I need your help with something. You're the new intern, right? Edgar, just moved here. How are you liking that little studio on 13th?"

"H-how.?"

"Oh, I have my ways." Tony waved it off as though having ways explained why he would have looked into the living accommodations of the student in the first place. "Anyway, as I was saying- you, you sir seem like an intelligent fellow." the billionaire ushered Edgar into an elevator. The stammering increased.

"S-sir! This is-"

"My private elevator, ya. I know. I built it." The man's arm didn't leave Edgar's soulders as he turned them around to face the closing doors. "Right, as I was saying. I need your help with something. Something only you, Edgar – Can I call you Edd? Edgar just seems so... formal."

"Uh... yes?"

"Right, good. So Edd, I have this issue."

The elevator started moving and a slightly bored voice spoke out over the intercom.

"Mr. Stark, is there anywhere in particular you are going or shall we just ride aimlessly?"

"Oh, right. Jarvis, we need floor 219."

Edd blinked. It was all happening so fast. He felt his brain struggling to grasp the entirety of what was going on. Stark wanted him for something. It sounded important. He felt giddy with anticipation, but Tony's flittering attention span was making it difficult to stay as excited.

"M-mr. Stark, is there something you need me for?" He managed to piece together, with minimal stuttering.

"Yes." Was all that was said in response as the doors opened again. Edd stood, blinking in confusion, as the scene before him unrolled. There were four of the most beautiful women the intern had ever laid eyes on. Each was standing equal distance apart on a raised platform in the center of a triangular shaped room. They all wore matching uniforms of short white shorts and a white sports bra. Nothing else. The first was a blonde, her piercing blue eyes called focus set in an ivory face. Next to her was a brunette, her arms were folded under her modest bust. After that was a raven haired beauty, her green eyes smoldering. Then a girl with fiery red hair stood with her head tilted. Each had the same hair style, long with bangs cut to one side, partially covering a left eye.

Stark didn't give the intern more than ten seconds to take in the sight before him before leading him from the elevator and into the room proper. Edd blinked and coughed nervously as they all stood, the two men staring across at the women.

"Now then, to the matter at hand." Tony steered Edgar over to a counter set in the right wall of the triangle and with his free hand gestured to take in five bowls all containing different substances.

"I need you to tell me which one is the most delicious thing you've ever put in your mouth." The joking tone was not lost on Edd but Stark's face portrayed a seriousness that belayed the entire scene.

"W... wait... what?" This was just too much. It was a prank. It had to be. There was some test he was missing from this, some deeper purpose. He had been told that Tony Stark was eccentric but this was just too much.

"You're telling me, you selected me- personally- out of a hundred other interns in this tower, to judge a baking contest between you and the four heads of your bio-division?" His voice squeaked, something else his stupid vocal chords did just to annoy him. It had brought him nothing but grief over the years but right now it just added to his obvious confusion. Tony seemed to actually think about what had just been told to him.

"Well... yes." His tone suggested that he didn't see anything wrong with the current situation. Edd couldn't help himself. He dropped his forehead into one purple-gloved palm.

"Mr. Stark, I was told you were … odd but this really takes the cake."

"Actually that is tiramisu, I believe." The billionaire dipped a finger into one of the five dishes on the counter. Edd glanced at it for a moment between his fingers.

"No. Genoise. Tiramisu is white, not yellow on account of the whole egg being used."

There was a long pause during which Tony just stared, finger still in his mouth. Feeling uncomfortable with the lasting, studious look of his idol, Edd shifted slightly. Tony broke into a huge grin.  
"Léa, tu me dois 38 euros." He snapped and pointed at the blonde. She waved her arms at him and spoke in an indignant tone.

"Merde, Stark. Je plaisantais!"

"Je ne plaisante jamais avec quelque chose d'aussi amusant." Tony grinned mischievously. The blonde huffed and folded her arms in a pout. Edgar looked up and frowned at Stark.

"Voulez-vous me dire ce que c'est vraiment?" He spoke quickly, and with more confidence. French was one of his favorite languages. Tony laughed and pointed at the brunette.

"Ha! Und du schuldest mir 80 euro!" Tony's german was slightly better than his french. The brunette simply stuck her tongue out. Edd tapped his foot impatiently.

"Ernsthaft, Stark. Скажите мне, что это действительно о? Soretomo, tada taikutsudesu ka?"

There was an even longer pause as all of the women looked impressed for a moment. Edd took no notice. He was serious about his work. Serious about the internship he'd fought tooth and nail for. Serious about the work he wanted to do. He'd passed up an internship to Wayne Industries for the chance to work for his childhood idol, Tony Stark. Now he was starting to wonder just what kind of man Stark was.

The billionaire playboy split into a grin and slapped Edd on the back.

"I was told you were smart but you've outdone yourself Double D!"

Edd winced at his old nick name more than the stern hand on his shoulder, cursing under his breath at the two who'd given it to him all those years ago.

"You just passed my interview process." The words were almost lost on Edd as he continued muttering. "Congratulations, Edgar, you're my new head of international communications."

"... right." Edd turned, walking back towards the elevator. Tony looked baffled and followed after him quickly.

"Wait, where are you going?" The eccentric businessmen man sounded like a child who was told he couldn't go outside to play. Edd rounded on him.

"I don't appreciate being jerked around, Mr. Stark. I worked really hard to get myself here, and I don't appreciate you mocking me like this."

Baffled turned to just plain stumped.

"But-"

"No! You can't seriously be giving me that position, I'm nothing but an intern- this is my first day for pete's sake!" Edd mentally cursed his squeaky voice but continued on, flailing his arms. "If you have nothing better to do than yank my chain for your amusement I'll be leaving now." He turned on his heel and stamped inside, folding his arms tightly across his chest. "Good day." He barked as the doors closed in the face of a very confused Tony Stark.

The elevator didn't move but Edgar didn't notice. He paced in the small space, muttering to himself – another bad habit of his. After a time the voice of Jarvis came across the intercom.

"Mr. Edd, would you like to be taken to your floor now?"

Edd stopped moving and muttering, pausing mid-step in his agitated pacing.

"... my... floor?" He squeaked, glancing upwards as though addressing the invisible man.

"Yes, sir. International Communications floor 302. Your office is in suite B, your living quarters are suite A. Your labs are located on the floor above that, your staff is currently being informed of your acquisition of the head of department."

Speechless, Edd suddenly felt as though his legs were made of jelly. He sank to his knees, mouth gaping like a fish.

"Or perhaps you would like me to open the doors so you can thank Mr. Stark. He is still unsure of your previous outburst."

Edd nodded dumbly. Well, hopefully Tony was as forgiving as he was crazy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Translations are run through Google Translate as I don't speak french, russian or german. If they are incorrect, I apologize ^_^;; the translated phrases are listed below, in the same order as above
> 
> "Lea, you owe me 38euro."  
> "Damnit, Stark. I was joking."  
> "I never joke about something amusing."  
> "Would you tell me what's really going on?"  
> "Ha! And you owe me 80 euro."  
> "Seriously, Stark. Tell me what is really going on here. Or are you seriously that bored?" -


	2. Chapter 2

“How's that translator coming?” The voice of his idol, a charming, charismatic note that had once left Edd feeling elated now only served to grate on his nerves like a younger sibling. He knew without turning that Tony was leaning on the edge of his desk, that cocky grin splitting his face as he tilted his head, waiting for the head of department to give him a full report. 

A report he'd given three times already that day. 

“Nothing new to report, sir.” The exasperated reply was called over his shoulder. The translator program was open on the three-screen computer that sprawled out across the desk and the hardware was naked on the elongated window sill that served as Edgar's workbench. He fiddled with the tiny screw driver in his hand, trying to focus on the project at hand. It was a overlaying project he'd undertaken the first day he became head of department three weeks prior. Stark had been thrilled with the ideas that came pouring from Edgar and encouraged him to act upon them. The current hardware he was working on was one of three parts to a larger whole and once finished, the entire set up would be complete. 

“Your patience is almost alarmingly inexhaustible.” Another voice spoke from behind Tony, this one had a more flat tone and was unfamiliar to Edd. A small smile tugged at the intern's lips. 

“Well, yes. I have had years of practice.” He thought fondly to the years in the cul-de-sac, fiddling with some little invention while Eddy pranced around him yammering on about jawbreakers and girls and money, eager to get on with their get-rich-quick scam. Eddy and Ed had been a million times more unnerving than Mr. Stark. And besides that, the pay-roll kept him more than happy enough to dance about to the playboy's every little whim. 

“Oh, Banner, you have no idea. He's like a Buddhist monk.... Actually I think I could get a monk angry easier than I can ruffle this one's feathers.” The two men chuckled as Edd continued fiddling with the tweezers and other tiny tools. 

“I should be done with this tomorrow, Mr. Stark.” He said without looking behind him. He heard Tony shift slightly and presumed he was turning without actually taking his elbow off the table. 

“You know, Banner, this kid made a lie detector out of a toaster when he was twelve?”  
Edd snorted slightly, remembering how long it took him to perfect that little gem. 

“Hardly. Though, I did manage to get some accurate readings off of it once I figured out the wiring.... and I had to buy my mom a new toaster....” A thought occurred. Setting down the tiny screwdriver, the intern swiveled to face the two men. 

“How did you....” The words died on his lips as he took in the visage of the most renown nuclear physicist of the century. Banner... Bruce Banner. Of course Tony Stark would be buddy-buddy with some one as ridiculously famous as Bruce Banner. The two of them were Edd's biggest influences in the scientific world. He mumbled something under his breath about good karma for all those puppies he rescued and all the quarters he'd given to homeless men. The two men looked at him for a moment and Tony turned to Bruce with a lopsided grin. 

“Told you he was amusing. Hear the little mumblings? It happens all day long, you should see him when he gets mad. It's actually quite adorable.” Stark stood suddenly, gesturing from Edgar to Bruce. 

“Bruce, this is Edgar my newest head of International Communications Department and soon to be the developer of a nifty little ear piece that will automatically translate any known language into your native language in as much real time as grammar will allow.“  
The billionaire grinned with the pride of a child showing off his super special awesome dog's newest trick. Edd rolled his eyes. Usually the billionaire playboy was rude, and irritatingly antagonistic but his already erratic behavior had taken a sudden flop towards just plain pathetic, and the man was prone to a sort of 'failure' in his narcissistic asshole-ery. It had begun happening the past couple days, and somewhere in the back of Edd's mind he made a mental note to continue to study this. This recent weirdness aside, his shyness in the face of Tony's fame had long since died off, leaving Edd with the same easy sarcasm he used to deal with Eddy. 

“Mr. Stark if you keep calling me adorable people will start talking.” He stood smoothly, pulling on the prim cuff of his white lab coat- which he had insisted on wearing over the stupidly high priced shirts Tony had bought for him, claiming that the head of department should be the best dressed. He extended a hand to Banner, his nervous smile edging the confidence that he'd managed to paint onto his features. “It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Banner.” 

“Oh please, just... just Bruce is fine, really.” The lazy drawl of the scientist was soothing, making Edd feel more at ease and the gentle but firm grip was comforting. “Tony has been telling me about your program, sounds pretty revolutionary.” Edd straightened, not being able to help the grin that spread across his face. He was proud of himself and of course, having his two idols gushing about his ideas was enough to blow his ego into monumental proportions. 

“Would you like to see it work?” He lifted a microphone to Bruce, offering the business end then turned to the computer and tapped a few keys. Though the computers here were all touch-screen and the process of working the information was basically like finger painting, very tactile, he still preferred using keyboards and key stroke short cuts. The middle screen went blank for a moment then a straight, horizontal line strode across half way down the screen. The bright green line worked it's way across and became continuous, like an ekg monitor. The screen to the right filled with a long list of languages, each written in their own language and the left screen went blank. 

“It's set up currently to assume the wearer of the equipment is an American speaking English. Speak any language you want into that.” He indicated the small receiver in Banner's hand.  
Bruce lofted a brow and said something in Arabic. As soon as he began speaking, the center screen pinged like a heartbeat and the languages on the right began blinking then disappearing as the program ran a process of elimination based on the inflection and pronunciation. Halfway through his sentence the third screen typed up the words in English, and the speakers Edd had hooked up spoke in English, in Banner's voice. 

“Are the graphics really necessary?” was spoken followed by, “Wow, that's pretty impressive.” The words were only a few seconds delayed from the Arabic spoken by Bruce. Edd nodded, running a hand through his hair. 

“Yes, the graphics are rather unnecessary however they help with the presentation of the product.” He tapped a few things on the keyboard and brought up the blueprints of the original design. 

“I have Phenias compiling a program that runs idioms, slang and misspoken words into the most accurate translation.” He squirmed slightly, feeling awkward that he was instructing other people to do his work, but he did have an entire department needing something to do. Delegating was proving difficult to grow accustomed to but his crew were all eager to work with him and willing to take initiative, making his job as their boss far easier. Bruce nodded in approval, looking around the desktop and seeming to take in the program that was on the screen. 

Tony walked around the desk and slapped Edd on the shoulder. 

“See, told you I knew how to pick'em. And Blossom is doing well in my weapons development division, in case you were wondering.” He glanced at Edgar to see his reaction to this. Edd ignored him, mostly due to the uncertainty if the comment was directed at Banner or himself. Also on account of his last interaction with Blossom. The girl was smart, intimidating, and on the whole-over bearing. When he had been younger, Edd had found that sort of thing attractive, but after years of abusive relationships he now shied away from a prominent woman.  
Not to mention the fact they'd dated in highschool. That had been an awkward introduction oversee by the one billionaire playboy philanthropist who should never attend such a reunion. Edd decided to change the subject. 

“How'd you know about the toaster thing, anyway?” The intern glanced over at Tony, keeping his peripherals on Bruce as the physicist prodded various things on his desk. Stark laughed and slapped his back once more. 

“I met your room mate in the Lobby yesterday and we had … coffee.... and spoke about various.... different … things, you know, just trying to learn more about my employees.” The far-off dreamy look told Edgar that Marie had probably shown Mr. Stark her automobile collection featuring many classics the billionaire was sure to enjoy. Not to mention the fact that Marie looked quite stunning in a jumpsuit. 

“Yes, well, don't believe everything you hear.” Edd rubbed his neck nervously, hoping that Marie hadn't blabbed too much about their own relationship. 

“Oh yea, she told me.” The knowing tone behind Stark's words threw the intern for a loop and he wondered if he'd been mumbling again.  
Marie and himself had dated a bit in high school and into the first few years of college and even moved in together. After several years of being together, they had slowly drifted into a more casual friendship and finally, officially, stopped dating one night after a surprisingly blunt conversation. They had been sitting on the couch, watching How I Met Your Mother when Marie, without even turning to him spoke as lightly as though discussing the weather. 

“You're gay, aren't you, Edd?” It had actually taken Edgar a moment to process the words that had been said. After a swig of soda he nodded slightly. 

“Yea. Pretty sure.” And with that, they remained friends and later in the year moved into a two bedroom apartment and began dating other people. Well, Marie dated other people, Edd never seemed to be able to find the time. The blue haired girl gave him hell about it from time to time, but it was all in good fun.  
That was a year ago, and Edd still hadn't told anyone else. Eddy, Ed and even his own parents were none the wiser. Except now, of all people, Tony Stark was privy to the knowledge. 

Edd nodded slightly. 

“Fair enough.” He fought to play it all off as though it didn't bother him. Homosexuality was so common now a days it seemed silly to be as secretive as he was. 

“And that's why I want to go drinking with you! Grab your keys, Bruce, you coming buddy?” Stark strolled away towards the door and Edd sputtered. 

“Wh-a- wait. What?” He blinked stupidly at the wolfish grin on Tony's face. 

“Anyone who can't hold their liquor it too fun to pass up.” Was the cool reply before Mr. Stark rolled off the door frame and into the hall. Edd gave a heavy sigh and silently thanked Marie for having more tact than he gave her credit for. Drinking was a terrible idea, but he decided it wasn't worth arguing. Bruce laughed and shook his head slightly. 

“Always the party.” The quiet man said softly, bitterly. Double D gave a short barking laugh before taking off his lab coat and hanging it on the chair. 

“I never liked parties.” Was all the intern said before walking out after the two men.


	3. Chapter 3

Edd sat up with a groan, peeling his face off the pillow slick with drool. He looked down at the plaid fabric of the pillow case in complete and utter confusion. His pillows were white, not plaid. He moved to sit up and immediately regretted the act as he found himself on the edge of his bed. Arms flailed as he tried to remain on the bed but soon thumped heavily to the floor. The white ceiling stared blankly back at him. His ceiling was black, not white. He tilted his head to look back at his bed. Not his bed, but the couch he'd been laying on and fallen off of. He was not in his apartment. The hungover man stood clumsily, fumbling with the coffee table to haul himself to his feet. The sparsely decorated apartment was lighted only by the sun seeping through the curtains. A door was open to his left and through it he could hear panting. Curious, he edged forward to the threshold and peered in past the neatly made bed. On the other side, Steve Rogers was in shorts and a white tank top, doing push ups. Edd blinked stupidly and promptly decided he had hit his head harder than he though and was now in a coma. Or, more probable even, he had died and gone to heaven. He watched in awed silence as the chiseled hunk of man before him continued to press out the perfectly executed show of psychical prowess. Edd watched and, to him it seemed the man was pushing the world with every stroke. His legs turned to jelly and his stomach fluttered stupidly. He wandered back to the couch to sit before his legs completely failed him. He would rather have stood there watching all day but his rapidly rising mast made him suddenly very conscious of the implications of the situation he'd found himself in. He sat heavily, wrapping the blanket that was on the couch around his shoulders, trying to hide the tent he was pitching. 

“Curses.” He muttered under his breath. He sat there a moment In silent, hungover dread then did a quick scan of the room. The entire apartment was immaculately clean, a feat worthy of recognition as Edd only knew himself to keep such tidy quarters. His own possessions – phone, hat, wallet and tie – were folded and stacked neatly at the foot of the couch. He wondered briefly if this had been Rogers' doing but quickly dismissed this notion. Even intoxicated, Edd knew his obsessive compulsions to clean were unhindered. He blushed with embarrassment as he realized the state of the apartment might have been his doing. 

A grunt sounded from the bedroom as Rogers nosily began a set of jumping jacks. Edgar dropped his face into his palm as he forcibly resisted the urge to go watch. He glanced around and the blinking light on his phone caught his attention. He shifted and scooped the wide-screened device into his hand, righting himself and fumbling in an attempt to keep the blanket wrapped around him while flicking a thumb across the screen. A message blinked into light next to a tiny image of iron man and his embarrassed dread was replaced with irritation.   
\--hey sock-head, school crush much?--

Of course, in his inebriated state Edd had probably pulled his old hat on, a nervous habit that slipped out when he wasn't paying attention to it. Stark had no doubt heard Mae call him that at some point and logged it away for such an occasion. The billionaire genius had a knack for finding the correct buttons to push at the correct time to be more of an annoyance than should be humanly possible. The message was just the first of many that spilled onto his screen as he navigated to the conversation view. Questions of the 'games' taking place and the progress of 'manual labor after hours' all insinuating something more than innocent fun. He muttered something about stupid frat boys and shoved the phone into his pocket. A moment later, Rogers emerged from the bedroom, a towel around his neck. He was slick with sweat, it poured down his temples and plastered his fair hair to his forehead; beads of it glistened on his sculpted arms like badges of honor. The calm, warm grin that split across the man's face sent Double D's heart fluttering into his throat. Suddenly, he wondered what actually happened last night. A fleeting thought of the unspeakable darted across his thoughts, sending a flush across his cheeks with the idea of it. Though, would that have really been so bad? 

“Morning, sleepy head.” Steve said cheerfully, still out of breath. The heavy words sent Edd's stomach into a twitching fit of arousal. He pulled the blanket tighter around his midsection. 

“G-good morning.” The smaller man stuttered, flashing a smile back as best he could. Rogers looked around at his own apartment and chuckled.

“It's an amazing thing to see someone so drunk they couldn't recall their own address clean an apartment and rewire the internet connection with such ease. You really did me a big favor, Edgar.” The color staining Edd's cheeks deepened. No one called him Edgar. He had never liked the name, but somehow Rogers managed to make it sound like the most wonderful name in the world. Or perhaps it was just the smile that followed, the kind of teeth-showing grin that melted Edd to the core. He laughed nervously. 

“Not a problem, Mr. Rogers.” He sat a bit straighter, genuinely pleased by the praise given to him. Steve laughed again and started waking across the living room to the bathroom. 

“Please, call me Captain,” He glanced at Edd with a beaming grin. “You seemed really happy calling me that last night. I'm going to get washed up, I'll take you home afterward.” And with that, he left a very confused Edd as he shut the door. Double D blinked stupidly. His boyish feelings coaxed him to see something more in that grin then he was sure was actually there. A sort of private joke. He squeaked and clutched at the blanket more as he wondered more seriously if something had... happened. Rogers seemed so........ innocent, nearly ignorant to the fact that sex existed let alone participated in it-- let alone participated in it with a man. Edd banished the thought once more, shaking his head in a feeble attempt to physical shake the notion from his mind. 

“I hate Stark. I hate him.” He mumbled this continuously under his breath, reasoning that this was all that man's fault somehow. He fumbled for his phone again and remotely accessed his desktop to check into the progress of various pieces of his projects-- filling his thoughts with work to keep his imagination from running wild. 

He had a brief moment of panic when he realized the time. Usually, he would have been at work three hours ago. Phenias had sent him several concerned emails asking if he was alright, as had a few of his other team members. Mae had sent him a few text messages hinting at much the same that Stark had been hinting at. Though the evidence was slightly in favor of the dirty deed having taken place, something told him the couch would not have been the finishing point of his night had that been the case. The sound of running water pulled at his attention, his imagination running rampant despite his efforts to direct it elsewhere. 

Over the muffled sounds of running water, Edd could hear a voice singing. He cocked his head allowing himself to listen more intently to the sounds coming from the bathroom. At first he thought it might have been a radio, but as a few of the notes were skewed with badly toned enthusiasm, he realized it was in fact the Captain. He was belting out “American Idiot” by Greenday. Somehow the whole image of Rogers, eyes scrunched shut rubbing a bar of soap across his soaking body while shamelessly serenading the shower head, was all to easy to imagine. The heat rose to Edd's face has he let that image float behind his eyes a bit longer. But as the heat sank to his midsection, he coughed furiously and stood to walk into the kitchen. 

For a one bedroom housing a bachelor the whole apartment was extravagantly furnished with a seemingly unnecessary amount of matching items. The kitchen was tucked into the right corner with an island separating it from the living room a neat row of three bar stools tucked under the marble counter of the island. The dark counters perched atop while cabinets housed several appliances ranging from a toaster, to a food processor and juicer. The living room was large enough to hold the couch, it's back facing the kitchen and door, a love seat pushed against the left wall and a massive TV on the far wall mounted above a dresser of sorts outfitted to hold three different gaming systems and a plethora of DVD and Blu-rays. The whole apartment was a matching color scheme consisting mostly of red and white with accents of blue. It was cute in a patriotic sort of way. 

The kitchen was fully stocked, but it seemed to Edgar that only the bags of ramen were being used. With a frown, he investigated further. A bowl sat neatly in the center of the island filled with balls of varying sizes and colors, beside that was a smaller bowl with keys and change – all of the change was stacked within the bowl. Edd resisted the urge to drop his head into his hand. Stupid OCD.

He pulled out a carton of eggs and set to making brunch-- the least he could do after burdening the Captain with his drunken antics. Pieces were starting to come back to him, leaning on the larger man prattling on about his newest enterprises within the communications department and constantly leaning over and telling the Captain how wonderfully muscled he was. Though it was blurry, the embarrassed man remembered even asking to feel Rogers' abs. Whether it had actually happened was unclear. 

After a few more solos in the shower, the water turned off. Edd glanced up from the stove as he flipped a pancake before blushing and looking back as he wondered to himself how the blonde would exit the shower. Mae tended to walk to her bedroom naked. A furious blush burned across his face hotter than the smoke rising from the bacon. 

“Is that bacon I smell?” The dreamy voice called from the edge of the kitchen. Edd squeaked almost inaudibly before forcing himself to grin as innocently as he could to mask the thoughts pounding in his head. 

“Thought I owed it to you, after last night.” He stole a look towards Rogers and almost lost his composure. Naked was not the way Steve traveled from shower to room but a towel wrapped about his waist wasn't a terrible style either. Edd thanked whatever God there might be for his near-perfect photographic memory. The glistening image of freshly washed abs would be engrained in his mind forever. He turned back to his task quickly, almost smacking his head on the microwave above the stove. 

“Nonsense, as far as drunks go you have got to be the most pleasant I've ever had to carry up a fight of stairs.” Steve laughed as Edd turned to him quickly, a blush breaking out on the nervous intern's face. “You kept hugging to me and thanking me for saving you. It was flattering really.” Though it was mean innocently, Edd couldn't help but feel mortified. He was unaware of how feminine he could get while intoxicated. Apparently it turned him into a damsel in need of rescuing.   
Ah well, who better to rescue him than the epitome of raw sexiness that paraded around in a spangly outfit. 

“Ah yes, my hero.” Edgar managed to keep his voice in a joking tone, playing it off as sarcastic. “And my hero deserved pancakes, eggs and bacon.” He grinned up at Steve. “An all American breakfast for Captain America.” The two of them laughed and Rogers padded off to his room.   
After a moment, Edd realized he hadn't heard the door shut. 

It took every ounce of will and the knowledge that he wouldn't be able to hide the raging boner it would give him to keep himself from looking over his shoulder. 

Goddamn he needed to get laid. 

His phone blipped at him, mercifully giving him something else to do while he waited for the bacon to finish. The tiny icon of a chibi iron man blinked into existence next to a message from Stark. 

\--who's the best boss ever? – 

Edd grumbled something about egotistical men in power asking questions they answer themselves.

\--who's asking?-- he replied. 

\--only the boss who suggested Cap take you home last night--

After a moment, double D reluctantly responded. 

\--you are the greatest boss in the history of bosses--

With that, Edd poured the grease into an empty can in the sink and set the island with plates and forks before heaping a plate with pancakes, eggs and bacon and carrying it over to the bedroom. Rogers was dressed, cargo pants and a white t-shirt, standing before a dresser mirror combing his feathery hair. Edd flashed him a grin and handed him the plate. 

“Here you are, Captain.” 

“Thank you, Edgar.” As Rogers took the plate from him, Edd blinked, still in awe of how from the lips of the gorgeous boy-scout-like man before him, his true name seemed so much better. Coing from the Captain, he liked the sound of his own name. He bounced back into the living room and scooped up his own plate, piling it with food then crossing to the couch. Steve joined him, sitting only a few inches away and grabbed the remote. 

“Oh wait, that's right.” He set the plate down on a rectangular coffee table that he pulled closer with one foot and set the remote onto the dark wood. Edd made a questioning noise around a mouth full of food. 

“You programed my TV last night and finagled it to work as voice activated.... you explained how it worked but honestly I didn't understand a bit of it.” He cleared his throat. “TV, on.” He stated clearly. The device blipped on and Rogers clapped happily, amused by the feat of technology before he snatched the remote from the table. “But really, as cool as that is, I think I'll still use this.” He gave Edd a bashful sort of look before awkwardly punching in the buttons to find a suitable channel to watch. Somehow that embarrassed look that crossed the blonde's face was just too much. It showed a sort of vulnerability that drove Edd crazy. He nearly choked on a piece of bacon, the coughing fit that ensued fortunately cured him of the stiffness he was starting to feel. 

Damn this man and his innocence


End file.
